Twisted History

Written By D.

I was musing about how different history would be if our early settlers and Founding Fathers had to confront political correctness, government bureaucracy and the main stream media in today’s upside down world.

So, JUST FOR FUN – Here Is Some Off The Wall Twisted History;

“Young Ben Franklin received his printer’s union card today and wanted to work at his brother’s print shop but his brother couldn’t afford to pay the union wage, so Ben is seeking employment elsewhere. His brother, meanwhile, has to pay OSHA fines for violating employee safety regulations because he failed to upgrade his equipment to meet the new safety standard.

General George Washington was arrested today and is expected to be court marshaled for ordering a raid on indigenous tribes in New York. Washington told reporters that these tribes had sided with the British in the Revolution and were raiding homes and villages and killing Americans, but the spokesperson for the five tribes denies the accusation, claiming they are peace loving and the scalps on his belt were just souvenirs from the French & Indian War.

One of the local Native American tribes living along the Delaware River have filed a lawsuit against William Penn, the Quakers and the Colony of the Province of Pennsylvania for the return of all lands legally purchased from the tribe by the Quakers, claiming that because the Quakers were willing to pay them several times for the same real estate they must have realized the tribes didn’t want sell their land and were coerced by Quaker friendliness and fairness into accepting the deal.

Thomas Jefferson is embroiled in a paternity case. Sally Hemmings is suing him for child support and the courts have ordered DNA tests to confirm Jefferson’s paternity. Jefferson denied the allegations saying it all depends on what is, is when referring to paternity.

All of the Minute Men, including Silversmith Paul Revere, were arrested by the State Police for riding their horses at excessive speeds and disturbing the peace by shouting “The British are Coming!” They have all paid fines and were released on their own recognizance.

A stash of of muzzle loaders and gun powder were seized by the ATF at an arsenal near Boston, as a group of militia were seen scattering into the night. The ATF broke up this organization of self-described “patriots” who were intent on firing the first shot heard round the world. The ATF also announced the arrest of Samuel Adams for illegally brewing and selling beer without a license.

Famous Philadelphia Printer Ben Franklin was fined by the EPA for failure to dispose of his inks properly. Franklin’s backyard was declared a Superfund Site and Franklin will have to pay the cost of soil removal and decontamination, estimated in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, effectively putting his print shop out of business. When asked for a reaction, Franklin, who is currently living in France, said he was really more interested in Science and beautiful French women than the printing business, although he would miss Poor Richard.

John Adams was disbarred today for signing the Declaration of Independence. The trial lawyers applauded the decision saying that Adams, being a member of the British legal system, owed his loyalty to the King. Adams commented that since a law degree was not required to practice law in the colonies, neither was a license to practice law, so being disbarred is a moot point.”